I laughed while I was repenting…
It’s true.
I could tell that my boss was growing more frustrated with me by the day, and I couldn’t place my finger on the reason why. I was doing my job to the best of my abilities. I was even helping other people out when they needed it. I do have a gift to gab, but I felt that I wasn’t abusing this “weakness” at the coffee maker. So why was he glaring at me every day? Finally, I caught wind that he was telling other workers that I wasn’t pulling my weight around the shop (he’s very non-confrontational, so one has to find these things out through the grapevine, unfortunately). He was even accusing me of doing nothing for hours on end. My boss only knows what he sees. So if he walks in to the shop and I’m walking across the floor to get a bolt, I’m not working. Or worse yet, if I’m refilling my coffee mug, to him, that’s all I’ve been doing all day. I’m not exaggerating. That’s his modus operandi. I’ve seen him do it to others. Now, I’m the one in the crosshairs.
If I’m doing something wrong, I want to know about it; I may not like what I hear, but I have learned in my years of work that it will make me a better worker. But I do not like being falsely accused!
As I obsessed over this, I began to ask the Lord to help me focus on my work and maybe (maybe? Hah!) learn something while getting through this. Then, I began to recall the words of J. Robert Clinton that were quoted to me in my Tuesday night class on leadership:
Though there may be fruitfulness in ministry, the major work is that which God is doing to and in the leader, not through him or her. Most emerging leaders don’t recognize this. They evaluate productivity, activities, fruitfulness, etc. But God is quietly often in unusual ways, trying to get the leader to see that one ministers out of what one is…
God is concerned with what we are. We want to learn a thousand things because there is so much to learn and do. But He will teach us one thing, perhaps in a thousand ways: “I am forming Christ in you.” It is this that will give power to your ministry.
So I patiently waited. It had its ups and downs. I actually hated it, for the most part, but I just tried to remember that I was learning something, and someday it would be shown to me. To be totally honest, I was hoping that it would be something like a Psalm:
“O Lord, shatter the teeth of mine enemy!”
But that was not His plan.
Last night I was praying for some friends. I don’t quite know how to describe this. But it was as if my mind was taken through about 5 real-life scenarios where people I know haven’t given God the credit He deserves. Now I’m going to sound judgmental, but bear with me. People have asked God for help, but couldn’t wait for it, so they went on with their own plans. People who don’t think God is doing anything in their life. So they ran ahead of God. I’ve done it too many times to remember.
I said to Him, “O God, how must it feel to be blamed for not doing anything when You are so much at work in our lives!”
And He said,
“I’ve been showing you, haven’t I?”
Aha!
And that’s when I laughed.
And repented.
And laughed and laughed!
I’ve been wrestling with the fact that sometimes I want to write about some deep thing that the Lord is teaching me, and sometimes I want to write about something that I am reminiscing about, or even just a silly thought or notion. I’ve decided to relegate the latter to my new blog . I call it “Skaggend”. I hope you like it. It will be filled with the “smaller, gentler thoughts of Bilbo Skaggins.”
Recently, I chose to re-enter the world of higher learning by taking a leadership course at my church. This class is very much like a college course, and since I haven’t been in college for twenty years, it has really been a stretch for me! But after several weeks, I’m starting to feel like a runner after a good run. There is a sort of euphoria in keeping a good pace, and I’m learning the value of working my brain daily. I’ve always been an avid reader, but the assigned questions and small group discussions have really been engaging for me in a good way.
This journey has been a spiritual one as well as mental, and I thought I’d share something that I read this morning that was a real blessing to me. It’s from Romans, Verse by Verse by W. R. Newell (as quoted in The Green Letters: Principles of Spiritual Growth by Miles J. Stanford (©1975, Zondervan Publishing House). It’s quite lengthy, and the wording is not modern (I had to look up a word), but don’t miss the great truth! Take a deep breath and soak it up!
“’There being no cause in the creature why grace should be shown, the creature must be brought off from trying to give cause to God for His care.” “He has been accepted in Christ, who is his standing!” “He is not on probation.” “As to his life past, it does not exist before God: he died at the cross, and Christ, is his Life.” “Grace, once bestowed, is not withdrawn: for God knew all the human exigencies beforehand; His action was independent of them, not dependent upon them.”
“To believe, and to consent to be loved while unworthy, is the great secret.”
“To refuse to make ‘resolutions’ and ‘vows’; for that is to trust in the flesh.”
“To expect to be blessed, though realizing more and more lack of worth.”
“To rely on God’s chastening (child training) hand as a mark of His kindness.”
“To ‘hope to be better’ (hence acceptable) is to fail to see yourself in Christ only.”
“To be disappointed with yourself is to have believed in yourself.”
“To be discouraged is unbelief – as to God’s purpose and plan of blessing for you.”
“To be proud, is to be blind! For we have no standing before God in ourselves.”
“The lack of Divine blessing, therefore, comes from unbelief, and not from failure of devotion.”
“To preach devotion first, and blessing second, is to reverse God’s order, and preach law, not grace. The Law made man’s blessing depend on devotion; Grace confers undeserved, unconditional blessing: our devotion may follow, but does not always do so – in proper measure.”
I’ll admit, a few of these really hit me hard. My biggest shortcomings from this list are being disappointed in myself, and discouragement. Ooops! But as I read the principles again and let them sink in for a while, I began to see them from a different perspective. I can relax. The beauty of it all is that we need grace. We will always need it. We will never stop needing grace. I cannot earn it after the fact. It’s the story of the prodigal relived. I come to Him saying, “I have sinned against heaven and against you! I’m not worthy to be called Your son….“ but in the middle of my sentence, He is making ready with the feast for me — His son — before I can make myself His hired slave. The sooner I accept it, the sooner I can get on with things and take the next step on this path that He leads. How wonderful it is to serve Him with the love of a son!
I’ve been a few years battling depression, and recently have been realizing that I’m “out of the tunnel,” so to speak.
To anyone who hasn’t gone through depression (and, of course, I’m not just talking about a bad day here or there, I still have those!), it’s kind of hard to describe, and the symptoms for me will be different than the next person who is suffering depression. But I firmly disagree with anyone who says it isn’t real. They would be blessed if the Lord would lead them up to that chasm for a week or two just to peer down into it and see what it is like.
I believe my depression was brought on by three things: unrepentant sin, tragedy and the grief that followed, and (according to my doctor) a chemical problem, but not in my brain, which I won’t even get into in this writing.
Well, thank God, I have repented. That part was taken care of a while ago and I am still doing well in that area. I have set up some boundaries and have friends who know me and keep me accountable so that I don’t stumble back onto that path thinking that I’m a big conqueror now. I must remember that Paul said, “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!“
Grief, of course, takes time. But I have to say that God has been so wonderful. He didn’t even come close to fixing things the way I would have thought. I don’t even want to use the word “fix.” We fix things. He leads us through.
You know how C. S. Lewis describes Aslan? He’s not a tame lion. I now see why Lewis wrote this. Lewis saw his own share of grief too, didn’t he? How God has brought me through my grief could be put in a movie. I mean it. And it’s because His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are so much higher than mine! As I look back to those times when I was broken, and actually too afraid to accuse God…. I still weep at the memories, but they have become something so precious and beautiful. And it’s too much for this blog. But I will give you this much. Out of tragedy, there is new music. Out of loss, there is a new deep, loving friendship. Out of deep sorrow, there is great joy.
So I’m swallowing my pride and putting this out there for anyone who may be suffering through unimaginable odds. God is not leading you into a cave. It’s a tunnel, and eventually, you will see the light. Trust me, I’ve been in that “cave” for years. Take His hand. Let Him lead you. But remember He isn’t tame. It’s like Mr. Beaver said to Lucy in The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, “‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
O God,
Your love is always moving, always pursuing me.
Your heart is a wild, raging river of emotions:
…jealous of things that are between us.
…filled with burning desire to have all of my heart, soul and mind.
…yearning to comfort me with Your tender mercies.
…dancing over me with gladness.
I am captivated by the fascinating beauty of your emotions for me. Yet here I stand beside the river, hesitant to step into the waters. I will wait no longer! I will plunge in headfirst! Let me drown in the torrents of your love for me! May I never come back up for air!
